Monday, December 14, 2009

A Scholarly Confession

Memorization, as they say, is the poorest form of learning. I find it hurtful then that I am into the poorest way. Most of my colleagues would say that I am "best in memorization" with the highlight "period to period". I do masticate explicitly what are printed on the textbooks and fact sheets. I do deposit any quotable statements to be my prefabricated patterns because I know they will incorporate magic to come up with notable codes. To wrap it up, I only rely on my personal scripts and thus I am no good when boxed into steep settings. These words alone, I have already dragged myself down to feel that I do not deserve what I am straining for.

Achievement be it in any corner is always at stake. People around would keep an eye on whatever you can and cannot do. If you are ahead, you tend to be followed. If you are behind, they tend to brush you off along the existing saga. No matter how intimidating it may seem like, it has always been the trend. With that, you start to fear not to fall or descend from the higher platform. Worse, no one perchance would dare to catch you if you happen to get out of balance. Comparison to term it is inevitable. And you cannot look forward to that in a competitive world like academe you only think of your own and must focus on your own foothold. Competition never gets its heart and soul with no recurring edges between the involved. That is what fences are made for—bound to have boundaries.

In a way, I feel sorry for my self. I feel like I have been working hard and yet people are only made to believe that it is always about gaining ground. It is not easy at all. My family is hoping that I could meet opportunity right after graduation to be able to provide sustenance to come across the day-to-day imperative needs. What if I couldn’t? Will that be soothed by “It’s okay.”? Funny, I find it. That’s why most of the realities in life are sore and what make us feel up are archetypal. Nevertheless, no one of us would let onerous conditions last. And I will always be the one to take pins and needles for my family even if I cannot always get the right stitch of good fortune.

After all, I don’t want to be ahead of my own persona. I mean there is always a room for improvements and I should and each of us consider such. Grades are only numerical values that are recorded down and computed to show how much you have done inside the proximity of the classroom. They don’t define totally how intelligent and erudite a person is because school lessons are only slices of our experiences. I major English language yet I am not in the authority to claim that I’m perfectly good in grammar. There is still no monopoly in using the language and so saying wrong grammar is somehow unjust and unfavorable. I even can’t use the language the way others use it. I neither cannot speak like Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago nor write like columnist Conrado de Quiros. I can only be myself. I don’t study when I’m tired and I even cram and it’s my choice at the end of the day. I toil for what I want and not for what I need.

I would just like to restate what my good friend once told me and it says: “You need to have a vision so that you won’t get tired of what you are doing.” Without a qualm, she’s right. It’s like a drug that diagnoses me after getting worn out. However, there’s something better than having a vision as what columnist and host Patricia Evangelista quoted from the speech of Butch Jimenez to the graduates of UP Diliman; "it’s having a cause". Anything that is pushed through is rooted from a desired ground. I strive hard not to place my head and shoulders above others but to make my family proud of me. I want them realize someday that at least I have done something good when I chose to become independent. And that is what keeps me up late at night to take hold of my lessons mentally even if they would say I have only memorized everything.

-Philip Andrew Garlitos-

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